We should talk about that. When do you want, I have a feeling that her and I are just going to go. So when, no, no, no, no, because you’re going to want a time check. Do you want to let me, do you want to have Abe, let me know when we’re an hour and a half in? Because I’m telling you, there’s a lot to talk about.

No, I’ll come in.

Okay. Whenever you want to start the podcast, I’ll just say, you know, you introduce her and then you can start. You guys can talk right now if you want to. You guys edit, right?
Yes, heavily.

If something messes up. Yep. You just thought. If you want to, if you’re saying something, it doesn’t make sense, you can just stop. Okay. Yeah, we edit everything fully. Okay. And you’re a PhD.

Oh, no, PhD.

That’s what I thought. So clinical psychologist and diplomat in sex therapy. That means you’ve been studying sex for a long time. That’s right. It’s my hobby. Okay. I bet you. You can understand that, right?

Yes, yes. Okay.

Ready? So fun. If there’s something that you don’t like the way that you said it, you can say, cut. I’m going to re -say that. Great. And this will stand here, otherwise it will. A bang. Just put the glass on the coaster, otherwise it bangs. Got it. Okay.

Dr. Marianne Brandon. Welcome to the show. Oh, thank you so much. It is absolutely my pleasure to be here talking with you. You know, you just said pleasure. We are going to talk about that because we are going to talk about what makes a good sex life. Wonderful. I think that this is such a timely topic. People are struggling sexually. You mentioned before we started rolling that you were a diplomat in, is it sexual medicine or sexual health? It’s sex therapy. Sex therapy even better that means that you’ve been studying sex for a really long time you know what it’s been it’s been my profession and even a hobby um you know my husband can say the same thing but how do we improve how does one how does a woman or a man improve their sex life so that’s a fabulous question and i think people get off track with that and that they think, well, there must be some other way to touch or there must be some other activity to do in the bedroom. That’s really going to make the difference. But really, the difference lies within us. It’s an internal difference. So what I would suggest to people is why trying something new, which is what you always see in the magazines, there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s great advice. But the more important thing is to recognize who you are in the bedroom, what you’re bringing to the situation. And it’s going to involve being focused, like mindful about your attention.

So where is your attention? So that’s one point. So becoming a better lover is about staying attention to your body. And this is something that we all have more challenges with as we’re all on tech more right so bringing your attention into your body we call that embodiment so that’s one very important piece of the puzzle also as important is what sort of personality you bring into the bedroom and i would suggest that it’s very helpful for people to develop a few different kind of sexual personas so that they can keep their sex life interesting over time. So what I tell my patients, and I think it can be difficult to learn, but after people learn it, it really works. You know, I’ve never thought about sex in that kind of detail, ever. And it will probably change, and I don’t want to make this personal, because I would be pretty embarrassed if I was talking about my own orgasms.

So I’m going to talk about somebody else’s. Okay. Is there a decrease, for example, in overall women’s orgasms, men’s orgasms now versus what we’ve been seeing in the past? Well, that depends on how you would define it. People are having less sex, but they’re masturbating more for the most part. So if we’re talking about frequency I would say no real decrease because people are taking matters into their own hands more so there’s there’s so many inappropriate jokes that we’re going to be making I promise we’re not going to have swear we say if there’s children around you may or may not want to turn this off but right I think that that’s that’s good advice one thing that people don’t realize is for the most part they find that their orgasms when masturbating are better and people worry about that like why is this what’s wrong with my sex life if my orgasms are better alone and of course not everyone will agree with that but it’s simply the fact that if you’re masturbating you know what you’re feeling you know what exactly how to change your touch or modify speed intensity to have the best orgasm so with the exception of new relationships when people are generally so excited that anything works really well over time people find that masturbation can be more sexually stimulating there do you remember the hairy palm you know they used to tell kids don’t masturbate because you’ll get a hairy palm have you ever heard of that i have heard of that yeah there is a taboo related to sex masturbation orgasm that still exists which is incredible that you have been how long have we been in this field 25 almost 30 years can you believe i i mean you look great for 35 thank you um that was probably even more taboo than that it is now is that fair to say i think that’s fair yeah okay masturbation i was asked this on a podcast How often should a person have sex? What is a normal cadence? So this is such a great question because people argue about this all the time. But research shows that there’s, well, first of all, we know there’s a wide variety of what people find comfortable. But maybe 15 % of people orgasm at least once a day. Male or female? More male than female, but this It comes from a group of both, but that’s more likely to be male. So of adults, 15 % of adults orgasm at least once a day. Among college students, 40 % of males and about 4 % of females orgasm once a day. Oh, why such a huge difference in number in percentage?

So I think that what we know is that in just about every aspect of sexuality, guys do it more, you know. So whether it be fantasy or masturbation or engage in a fetish or desire for sex or interest in sexual creativity or willingness to pay for sex, I mean, it goes on and on. Men are just more engaged sexually in all of these ways than women. Now, it is common for people in our culture to say yes, well, women were, you know, sort of trained not to like sex. And of course that’s true, particularly in some subsets. Is that true? In some. So, for example, particularly religious environments, they sort of discourage women from being sexual, at least at a young age, that sort of thing. But the real truth overall is that there are some very real differences between male and female sexuality that we tend to ignore in this culture, but I think they’re super important for us to understand if we’re trying to create a satisfying sex life with our partner. These differences are critical to understand. Would that be something like a G spot for a woman?

How could, if there’s a guy watching this and he really wants to understand how he can please his partner would the first thing again sex therapist i’ve never actually sat down with a sex therapist um i and the joke is that i have the number one men’s health podcast and we talk about penises and uh you know dr abe morgan toller is here yeah but you are in the business of making sex better right um again back to this original question how can a man please his partner?

Is it a G -spot understanding? Right. So I would say the G -spot is one of those examples where we get over -focused on the body and under -focused on who we are in the bedroom. So some women feel like they have a G -spot. Other women don’t really feel like they have that. I would discourage people in general from being too focused on touch and where you’re touching and how, more focused on who you are in the bedroom. I want to give you an example of a homework I give my patience. It really works. Okay. I suggest to them that they find a piece of music that they would dance to at a wedding, like so romantic. And they find a piece of music that they would enjoy in a jazz club on a Saturday night, and they find a piece of music that’s really kind of hard and angry, all right? And then they practice on their own, like lock the door and practice with each of these pieces of music, how their body would move to that music. And so people can feel kind of silly when they’re doing that. I would be very embarrassed and we have cameras all over our house right so yeah so maybe go to a hotel room i’m just i’m being totally honest and straightforward but what happens is people learn how their body can bring a different energy into the bedroom and if a man wants to please his partner i would argue the chances of him find engaging her are so much greater if he can sometimes bring a real intense personality and he can sometimes bring a really sensual personality and sometimes bring a really loving personality. So he can like gear how that experience goes based on his persona and he can put music on to help. But he will see that his, the way he looks at her based on these moods, the way his body moves, I’m going to argue that he’s going to find a huge improvement in his sexual experience with her because he can open her in each of these ways and it’s a different experience. So I think another important point here is that stress closes us and we’re also stressed. Is that why people have less sex now? You said that people are having less sex now? I think that’s a very important reason. I think there are a variety of reasons, but that’s one. So, you know, you can’t have good sex from this place. If you just looked on your phone, you got yourself agitated. Is that true? I think men, men are able to, and again, I talk to, I hear from number one, we have a medical practice, and I hear from female patients and male patients all the time, that for guys, it’s a bit of a stress release. And for women, they go, oh, God, I have just spent my entire day working, doing everything, and now you want to have sex. So that is absolutely correct. What I say to my patients is for a woman, even though she enjoys sex, having sex is often like gathering information for going for a run you love exercise you love going for a run but you’re not going to spontaneously go for a run probably at 11 o ‘clock at night when you’ve just finished dinner in the dish just like going for a run there’s no pleasure in a run at 11 o ‘clock at night right it’s that same thing but for a guy it doesn’t require that level of energy so he’s fed by that at 11 p .m. or whatever sex feeds him for her more than likely, she feels like she has to gather energy to enjoy herself. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy herself. It just means that it requires something to give.

What can a man do? And I get the, there’s the music component. Is there a particular way that he can touch her? Is, are there things that are biological in humans? For example, let’s say a I don’t know a woman strokes a man’s penis he probably is going to get an erection right he doesn’t have to do anything he could probably be watching puppies jump over ladders or fences and he’ll probably get an erection fair enough is there the equivalent to that for a woman I would say no and what he um so a couple things to think of. One is, so women have erectile tissue just like guys, except that much of her erectile tissue is hidden under skin. So the clitoris, the part that we can see is very small compared to the amount of that erectile tissue that’s in her body, but it’s under the skin. So first of all, it’s going to be more challenging for her to have an orgasm, probably, because It’s just sort of like trying to touch that tissue as like if we were massaging a man who was wearing five condoms. It’s not going to be a stimulating, right? So the skin serves that buffer. So you have to approach her body, I think, does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. I mean, I’m just still stuck on female erections.

I mean, this is stuff you talk about every day, but the guys listening to this are going, wait, what? Women have erections. And the women listening or watching this are going, wait, I do have erections. Yeah. Rectal tissue, not necessarily translated to But, but the can, again, I don’t actually know this answer. Can the clitoris become erect?

Yes. Okay. Yes. Yes. So, so what, if we’re talking to heterosexual couple, he, he will do well to remember that it’s more challenging for her to have an orgasm just because so much of that tissue is hidden. So again, if he approaches it like, how would I feel as a man if I was wearing five condoms, you know, would it be harder to have an orgasm? Yes. Okay. So women also will often find it almost intrusive to be touched before they’re turned on oh god guys yes yes oh please say that again every man needs to understand this yes they do please say that again because i don’t know if i’m supposed to talk about again i’ve i it’s hilarious i am never i will say i’m almost never flustered and i’m a little flustered i am a little flustered because again i Because, again, I don’t know what to say. The producer, he’s probably going to cut this out. But he probably will leave it in to just fully, epically expose me as a human.

But I would love for you to say that again because it is almost, you said that women don’t feel when they are just touched. Go ahead. Just say what you said again. Yeah. So women it feels intrusive exactly yes okay okay okay so touch before she’s ready feels intrusive and so um she needs a lot of build up before touch feels pleasurable and unfortunately when people cut out like things like foreplay or any kind of sensual sexual dance before sex she hasn’t had um the prep time she needs to want that now it’s different at the beginning of a relationship because she’s sort of been prepping constantly because she’s just turned on she’s got a new partner she’s excited so what people learn in that uh what first year of a relationship is wow my partner excites me so much i don’t even need for play i’m just already ready right and and guys will say that about their their women she’s already wet can we say that yeah yes okay we’ve officially prepped people prior we’re gonna be talking about okay so that’s what they think that’s what they think their partner that’s they that’s who they expect their partner to be sexually as a relationship ages it’s not that’s what happens at the beginning of a relationship so now let’s say a year or two in she’s not just automatically ready anymore And so there needs to be a process of her getting her body ready so that touch feels good. And so I encourage women to play a role in that, like to kind of stimulate themselves in certain ways before they enter a bedroom. But he needs to recognize, again, if we’re talking about heterosexual relationships, he needs to recognize that he’s got to start slow. Like he can start by, you know, rubbing her arm or her chest but not her breast yet not even her nipples yet like give her time or her vagina do not go straight in do not it does it feel for it feels intrusive it feels intrusive and so the problem that some people run into is then they think okay well i’ll give her a massage first and then we’ll have sex well she’s tired and you give her a massage she’s falling asleep so that’s really not the answer you have to find this happy medium between like too much relaxation and enough to get her interested so like inner thighs are a great way to start i would say start with her panties on so she’s not thinking she’s about to get touched and she can relax okay if she’s completely nude and you’re playing with her inner thighs she’s waiting any moment for her to for you to touch her clitoris and she’s not ready, right? But if her panties are on and you’re touching your inner thighs, she can kind of relax into that. That’s what you want. So if she’s like relaxed into that, when you move into her breasts, her nipples, her genitals, she’s ready. Pretty sure you just solved 50 % of all relationship problems right now. Incredible advice. Truly incredible advice. And again, as a culture, we don’t talk about this stuff and we don’t think about it. No. It’s all about, I mean, the topic of porn and sex and AI, which we’re going to get to, I think, is really starting to emerge. But how to pleasure a woman and to understand the steps is not, we don’t really talk about it. We don’t talk about it. And where people are learning truly as porn and this is absolutely never ever porn doesn’t approach this kind of education at all and what men men are trying really hard i think to please their partners and they’re very frustrated because all they know is what works for them and what guys have to remember is what works for them is probably not what works for her that doesn’t mean he’s doing something wrong it doesn’t mean she’s doing something wrong.

We’re just different sexual animals. And so we just have to understand those differences. So he thinks when he walks by his woman and he grabs her breast, she’s going to think that’s fun. Because if she were to walk by him. 100 % yes. Yeah. If she walks by him and grabs his crotch, he thinks that’s fun. So he’s trying to do it again. I’m ready for you. Exactly. He’s like, let me give her this gift and grab her breath. Is that an effective four -place strategy? Not at all. I can’t tell you how many patients say to me. Yes. My God, you know, I’m in the kitchen. I’m getting dinner ready. He’s grabbing my breast. He’s grabbing my butt. They hate it. Okay. This is extremely helpful. And, you know, I’ve got some statistics here that that I wanted to share with you, because one of the things that I hear is that some people are more or less sensitive, the tissue, whether it’s a clitoris or the nipple that they find that they’re less sensitive. What can someone do, what could a female do if she’s experiencing that?

So if she feels less sensitive, point one, is if she used to feel more sensitive, she needs to get her hormones checked and not just checked because she needs to get her hormones checked by someone who knows because if she goes to a general gynecologist that isn’t really well versed in all of this the chances are that gynecologist is going to say your hormones are fine and that’s all she’s going to get she needs to go to someone in sexual medicine who has an understanding of hormones on how they work in the body because it’s not necessarily that her levels are low they may be just low for her so that’s So that’s point one, check hormones. Can I stop you really quickly? Is there one particular hormone? Would you say testosterone would be the hormone that seems to have the biggest impact in sensitivity? Gosh, I’m not sure what to say about that. It’s going to be estrogen or testosterone, but it could be estrogen. So I wouldn’t necessarily, and maybe there’s research that haven’t seen on that okay so I’m I’m going to say to you I’m not positive but what I am positive about is go to someone who is educated in that so that they can be helpful so and if people are worried which they shouldn’t be most likely but if they’re worried about systemic effects of hormones and they don’t want to take hormones which you do a podcast about that that is that and we treat patients patients at the clinic right so there’s there’s so much research out there that shows how healthy hormones can be but if still if someone’s concerned or if she’s had breast cancer and she doesn’t want to go in hormones there there are hormones that you can apply topically just to your genitals that have very little impact on the rest of your body that can help with sensitivity I love that is that the same for a male so if a male is experiencing less less sensitivity. I would say what do they do? I would say that’s absolutely. So before we leave women, let me say that if she’s having a hard time feeling turned on, I would suggest that she tries something like lay a warm washcloth on her genitals for a few minutes before she enters the bedroom and perhaps that’ll bring what’s that intended, that’s intended to bring more blood flow to her genitals and she may find that helps with sensitivity. she may not but she could and another thing of course are sex toys and finding the right sex toy for her because there’s so many out there now so there are sex toys that like bring blood into her purpose yes without creating would it be to not create direct stimulation right so what i suppose what i’m asking when i think of sex toys or sex toy i typically think of i don’t know one or two but right there are different kinds that do different things so many different kinds that do different things and you can actually find them on any like you know platform that sells stuff like you don’t have to go to a sex toy shop anymore at all for these things but some sex toys for example will suction so they’ll bring blood flow to the genitals or blood flow to her clitoris and for some women that amplifies sensation. So she could even do that a little bit before she joins her partner. So those are the things I would encourage her to try, but some people, like you said, are just more sensitive than others. And that’s just sort of the luck of the draw. You know what else is interesting about women is women can feel pressure to have an orgasm like during sex.

And that’s a whole topic we can cover if you want to. But what is interesting is there’s little pieces of research here and there that talk about things like her anatomy affects how likely she is to have an orgasm during sex. So, for example, the farther her clitoris is away from her vagina, the harder it’s going to be for her to have an orgasm during sex. So it’s geography. She has nothing to do with that. And it makes sense. I’ve never heard that before. Everyone’s getting out their tape. I don’t know. Is other tape, I don’t know, is there an ideal placement? I mean, I guess what you’re saying is the closer the clitoris is to the vagina.

Do we know that at X centimeter, X millimeter, that she’s less likely? I think it’s going to depend on the partners together and how they fit. So no, we don’t. And I don’t think we’re ever going to have that but the bottom line is the closer her clitoris is to her vagina the more likely it’s going to be stimulated during thrusting and there you have it wow I’m just learning so much and then is there something that you I actually I have a question yeah does you mentioned sex toys does masturbation increase her likelihood of having an orgasm I’m also hearing you say you we don’t want to focus just on orgasm. That’s true. We don’t want to focus just on orgasm. But are you asking, will masturbation regularly increase her chances of having an orgasm with a partner? Yes. Okay. Will she get better at orgasming if she is masturbating? Well, that’s absolutely something we recommend she tries because the more she learns what feels good, the or she can teach her partner. So that’s just kind of fact. So yes, I would encourage women to try different kinds of stimulation, different kinds of vibrators. For some women, a lot of stimulation fast actually can go the wrong direction and turn her off or shut her down. Like she gets too kind of overwhelmed and then kind of flatlines with stimulation. So she’s got to be willing to really experiment. And if she feels like the stimulation is too intense, she can just lay a sheet between her body and her sex toy and try that. But there’s so many different speeds of sex toys and stuff. So really, to have a good sex life, you can’t be lazy.

You simply cannot. Like, you have to be able, be willing to put the time in to learn your body and have the patience to engage your partner I mean it requires effort effort just another vertical another vertical to do but probably extends life well so I love you’re saying that because we have so much research that shows and when people are sexually satisfied they’re more satisfied with their relationship they’re more satisfied with their life in general so this is so much bigger than people’s bedrooms yeah what we’re talking about today so much bigger men a man is feeling less sensitive can we define that is it just his penis that should be feeling sensitive is it also his scrotum is there are there different um domains that a woman watching this can go you know what i really want to turn my man on how How do I do that? Oh, go ahead. Yeah. And I’m just thinking, wow, gosh, I’m thinking about all this. It’s probably pretty easy. Just walk by and grab their crotch.

Oftentimes, it’s very easy, but not always, right? So I would say a few things to her. First of all, I would say, don’t be afraid of his genitals. They’re very different from yours, but you can bring some power to the experience. Now, watch how he responds, but it’s amazingly how strongly you can like grip a penis and not hurt a penis, right? So she should be willing to experiment with different kinds of touch. Also be aware that his testicles may be very different and sensitivity to his penis one way or the other. So experimenting with, you know, skin around the genitals, different kinds of touch to the testicles, different kinds of touch to the penis and make sure that there’s enough lube going on. So if her mouth’s not involved, she probably needs lube to make it all feel good. So if we all bring just a little more time and patience to the experience, that’s really going to go very far. Just level of experimenting. You know, and it makes me think about erectile dysfunction.

Again, we’ve had many eurologists on the show including Dr. Abe Morgantala who may or may not be sitting right over in the corner that I’m not paying any attention to I’m totally kidding but when you hear these urologists talk yeah you will hear statistics like 40 % of men at age 40 have erectile dysfunction 50 % of men at 50 yes and I also had um Dr. Tobias Kohler on, and he discussed that a man’s penis can shrink, believe it or not. Right. If it is not being used. Yeah. So my question is, where does erectile dysfunction fit in? Let’s say, for example, I don’t know, there’s a diabetic who cannot get an erection. Right. How does that affect? If a guy is listening to this, if he is 40, there’s a 40 % chance that he has erectile dysmunction. Right. Even if he’s healthy in many, many ways.

So this is just the body aging, bodies age. Don’t tell me that. I know. I know. I hate it. What? How can guys fix it? So I would say things to keep in mind are his erection can be impacted by all kinds of stuff that he’s not even thinking about. So medication side effects, even if his doctor, even if he asks his doctor, does this affect my sex life? His doctor may not know and say, no, it doesn’t, but in fact it would. So, you know, there are things like how much you exercise that can affect your erection. So generally. More muscle mass. More muscle, more healthy muscle mass. We actually just published a paper on this. Oh, wow. More healthy muscle mass, which I was hoping, actually we presented it at the Androgen Society. Yes. More healthy muscle mass, better, I don’t want to say greater, better sexual function. Because increased testosterone? Because of its effect on nitric oxide and its effect on metabolism. Obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, these metabolic dysregulations, they actually begin in a skeletal muscle first. Wow. If you address skeletal muscle, yes. If you have healthy skeletal muscle, you have better erections. Okay. That’s wonderful information. Really fascinating. Yeah. I read this statistic. It said men who spend five plus hours daily on TV or computers have nearly three times higher odds of erectile dysfunction than those under an hour. So I would assume that has a lot to do with a sedentary lifestyle. So exercise is great for your erection. And we know that if, for example, you are using Viagra or Cialis or medication like that and you’re finding that it’s not as helpful as you want it to be, we do have studies that suggest that if you then, if you add exercise and, for example, a Mediterranean diet or a healthy diet to that, to your regimen, it’s very likely that your erection is going to improve. So it’s really sort of a whole body experience that you want to bring to the table. Also be aware that if you’re struggling with erection, at least eventually you’re likely then to start to have anxiety about it. As soon as you start to have anxiety about it, it’s going to make this whole thing that much more challenging. So being conscious of what your emotional reaction is to those challenges can be very helpful in finding ways to work with it. And when I’m working with a guy with E .D., I also suggest he look for a sex toy that adds stimulation for his penis. So they have sex toys that fit like on the base of the penis that just add a little more. Is that a ring. It’s a ring with like a vibration to it. And it just adds more stimulation to the experience. So for some guys, that can be really helpful. Not everybody likes that sort of thing, but that can be helpful for a subset. It makes me think, are men more opposed to using sex toys with themselves than women? So I would say yes, but that’s changing because there are so many sex toys out for men now that offer really very intense, pleasurable stimulation, and guys are kind of starting to get the memo on that. So even if they go to just a typical store where they would buy toothpaste, right, they’re going to find potentially online. No, they’re not. Are they real? In person or online? Online. Okay. Okay. I was like, I’ve been to CBS a hundred times. I have never seen it near the toothpaste out. But we will soon. We will soon. I would argue. But at any rate, if they go online, they’re going to find toys that look sort of like flashlights that are, that they put their penis in. And they have ability to sort of mimic the, the sensation of oral sex, anal sex, whatever. So, and it gets much more even advanced than that. Is there something more bounce in that there is you just wouldn’t even believe what’s out there i don’t believe it is this like we got to talk about under the table is this just like crazy it’s crazy okay it’s crazy like what well you can buy these toys for example in a platform where you can actually um have someone else that you don’t even know in another state use your toy or Oh, my gosh, the remote control? Yes, yes. Not just remote controlled with your own lover, right? But remote controlled with someone else. Or you can buy these toys in a platform that offers VR porn. And the toys are calibrated to the porn. So that you’re watching the porn. You feel like you’re in it. You know, VR porn is so intense. But your toy moves at the same rate as sex or the oral sex or whatever’s happening on your screen, your toy’s doing it. So it amplifies, there are ways to amplify stimulation that is mind -blowing for most people. Holy cow. Right. My first thought is for long – distance relationships, this could be a way to connect that potentially wouldn’t be the traditional routes of, what do they call it, sex texting or whatever it is, but actually creating a long -distance sexual relationship? Absolutely. And that’s right. And that’s really how they’re marketed is there are real benefits to all this technology. But it’s so powerful that we also have to recognize that they could actually, for at least some people, negatively impact their sex life ultimately if they value human relationships oh man um we i had a guest on dr ben rain and he is a neuroscientist and he was talking about the necessity of human connection yeah and that there are now AI chatbot friends right absolutely what i’m hearing you say is there are now AI lovers lovers correct and we and they’re powerful too so many of us would hear that and say no one’s really going to like that or they won’t prefer it over a human partner but these chatbot lovers have become so complex that first of all i would say to you it kind of doesn’t matter if you prefer human partner like theoretically, because these lovers are so intense and powerful. And they know exactly they are computer generated to be of pleasure and probably, I don’t know, release oxytocin and create all these unnatural bonding with a machine. Is that fair to say? That is fair to say. That’s terrifying. It is terrifying. What terrifies me the most is the impact of this technology as children get a hold of it because even just traditional porn kids are getting a hold of at age like 12 and that’s a big deal I mean porn isn’t always comfortable to watch and these 12 -year -olds can hardly metabolize what they’re seeing and it is impacting their sex life we could talk about that if you want but it is important I know um before we go into that I I want to also get a framework for how long, or do we know how long sex should last?

That’s a good question. People always ask that. Yeah, yeah. But no, it really depends on the couple and what they find comfortable. And this is one of the ways I think sex is challenging for guys, because women have very different perceptions on how long sex should last so one one female would say five minutes of thrusting another one would say 25 minutes of thrusting and women who like to orgasm during sex require more thrusting so like at least 15 minutes if they’re going to orgasm during sex so guys are like you know what’s this partner want you know there it’s a lot for them okay We should be more sensitive to a man’s experience because I do think that men tie, I don’t think, and again, I’m just speaking from what I hear in the clinic. I don’t think women tie their confidence to the bedroom. Would you say that that’s fair? Not as much as I say it’s fair in degree compared to men.

But I sort of i feel great sympathy for guys around this because for a woman if she’s having an arousal issue um she can still have sex if she wants so for the most part if she if she’s having an arousal issue she gets some lube and she’s if she wants to have sex she’s probably okay but for a guy if he’s having an arousal issue meaning he can’t get an erection or he loses it fast or whatever um sex is off the table or at least intercourse is. And so they are, their egos can be involved in that. But for a woman, like, she has a very different, if she has an orgasm and she’s done with orgasms, she can still have sex. If he has an orgasm, chances are he’s done with sex. So it’s just like so much more pressure on guys to make that experience feel good for everyone. So I feel for guys who’s, yes, whose egos are involved in it. Is there something a man could do to potentially increase the length of time for an erection? Or the length of time he could have sex. Right. So there are things like some guys use like wear a condom. And, you know, so that makes their penis a little less sensitive and they can last longer. Some guys use Viagra or Cialis. And that allows them not only to get probably more hard, but chances are if they lose their erection or, like, say, have an orgasm, they’re going to be more likely to be able to become erect again sooner, so that can be helpful too. Some guys, you know what, I forgot even the question.

What?

I mean, I’m just so into it. And by the way, I’m moving because I tore my hamstring, they will. I do it when you were talking. Oh, no. So that it doesn’t know. I’m glad you can take advantage of this break. Basically what you were saying is I wanted to know how, and the reason I’m teeing this up is I imagine that VR then changes the expectation for a woman. Yeah. And I want to know what a man could do. If a man is listening to this and they’re up against or they don’t even know what’s coming down the pike, which is this AI, sex bot, virtual reality type porn, how do we, I mean, I’m just going to start with the physical. How do we augment him to have the best physical experience in terms of, let’s just, I’ll just pick one, erections. How can he maintain a solid erection for a period of time because these machines or these toys I mean I don’t know I haven’t seen them but I’m assuming that they are always hard yeah so you mean when the man is using the tech he’s always hard he doesn’t lose for example if a woman is becoming accustomed accustomed to an AI virtual reality sex toy oh okay that erection based because it’s a robot right will stay right or that vibrator that is always erect um okay so how does he compete with that how does he compete with that so some men do use things like numbing creams to last longer I oh and you know urologists will say they can give any man an erection so frankly if he’s struggling there are things to do there are injections he can take before sex that’ll keep him erect penile implant right so but I don’t think I mean that’s going to a length that your listeners may not want to go to but if he’s concerned about how long he’s lasting I would hope that he could talk to his partner about it and they can sort of work it through together rather than him take this on as his problem to fix because he’s just being a human and you know that’s all we are and so it’s kind of about recognizing that our bodies have limitations but we can offer so much more than just what our body just what our genitals offer so there’s so much more that he has to give eye contact words touch, embrace.

He has so much more to give than what his penis can offer. So I would encourage people to embrace all that other very powerful sexual stimuli that isn’t just related to the genitals. What do we do when one partner has very high libido and the other one has a low libido? So common. So that’s called desire discrepancy And frankly, most couples have some level of that that they’re dealing with. So first of all, what I would say is everybody recognize the challenges that their partner is experiencing. So if the partner with low libido, it can be challenging to have sex when you don’t want to. And the partner with high libido, it can be challenging not to have sex when you want to. So have compassion for everybody’s situation, first of all. Secondly, what I encourage couples to do is identify three different things they can do together that allows the higher -desire partner to have an orgasm, but the lower -desire partner can keep their clothes on, or most of their clothes, at least. So generally the lower -desire partner is a woman, and we can talk about why that is, but it’s not always the case. So things that would allow that higher desire partner to have an orgasm and feel fulfilled would involve the lower desire partner maintaining good contact during that whole experience. So eye contact, words, touch. So if the higher desire partner is simply masturbating, the lower desire partner can hold them and talk to them and, you know, sort of stay engaged. And for many, many people, that’s enough. That’s enough of a connection that requires nothing of the lower desire partner except contact. So you want to think of like three different things in your sort of bag of tricks that you can do that doesn’t require the genitals of the lower partner. What’s another, again, I’m learning so much. I’ve never heard any of these things.

What would be another thing? So one is the, just to recap for someone, it’s One partner keeps most of their clothes on is involved with eye contact touch while the other person is masturbating.

Right. That’s one. That’s one. That’s one. Another one that it can be very helpful for some couples is to engage AI in some way.
So, for example, if people are willing, he can watch some VR porn while She kind of plays with him. And so she’s engaged, touching him, but he’s also got other stimulation that is really intense that he’s, you know, sort of making use of. So tech like that or get one of these sex toys we talked about where he puts his penis inside and it feels very intense. She could hold that toy on him. She could, you know, play with his nipples while he’s using that toy. She could talk to him through a fantasy. Like there’s so much that doesn’t require her body at all. So that’s another thing. Use a modern sex toy. Sometimes it’s about like the higher desire partner just simply rubbing against the lower desire partner. So everybody maybe gets naked, but her genitals aren’t a part of the process. Like he’s just rubbing against her belly or he’s rubbing his penis against her back, but they’re still engaged. So those are some things to do. And what I advise my patients a lot is to expand your repertoire, just sort of practice making love with your clothes on, which means learn how to touch and be sensual and connected without your genitals. And then you’re going to have these skills at times like this when you want one partner to be gratified, but the other partner is just not there.

Really, really good information. Great.

How much, and I know that there isn’t really an answer, but again, you’ve been doing this for a long time, hence the diplomat of sex therapy.

How much sex is important for a healthy relationship? So that’s a great question too, And it varies very much, but let’s think about this. Sex is what I would say is the most intimate act that most people engage in in their lives, at least as a couple, right? And so maintaining some connection in that way is probably really important for a couple to stay intimate over time. So, sex is more important for some people than others, but it’s an element that is essential. I would argue for most people. So it’s kind of a matter of determining what is a compromise. That’s my goal as a therapist is often that this person wants sex daily.

This person wants sex once a week or once a month. Where can we compromise. So I don’t put anybody’s needs, you know, sort of over the other. And I try to find a middle ground that works for everybody. And, oh, go ahead. But there’s no, there’s no, okay, you should have sex every day. You should be having sex three times a week. This is what we found to increase the level of, say, oxytocin over time. Right. There’s no prescription in that way for couples.

So I think each couple has to sort of find their own, but there is one for them. And if they don’t take time to find it, chances are their relationship is going to hurt over time because it’s an essential part of our connecting. What about aging? You know, we talk a lot about it’s never too late. 80 to 90 -year -olds can still put on muscle. You know, it’s never too late to start training. Is there when, you know, Dr. Moad Carver talks about sex ban.

Yeah.

Is, and sex span is the length of time you have a healthy sex life?

Yes.

Is there a precipitous decline?

For example, you hit Edy and somehow you no longer want to have sex. There is a precipitous decline often for people. Like you said, that’s a great example. So those decline start to happen when people’s hormone levels start to change so andopause menopause but then also in later life bodies function more poorly that’s just what happens but that doesn’t mean that people can’t still have an active repertoire it may mean that it doesn’t involve penile vaginal intercourse but you know touch you can always do you know rubbing and talking and connecting, you can always do. And even people who haven’t had sex for a while, like, for example, a woman who’s divorced and then she has 10 years later, she’s now dating again. She hasn’t had sex for 10 years. Her vagina has probably atrophied to a certain amount. There’s a lot that can be done to sort of rehab her. And so I would also say to people, Talk to someone educated about this. This is a whole specialty, as you mentioned. It’s sexual medicine. It’s a specialty for a reason. It’s because there’s so much data coming out all the time about all of this and hormones and, you know, bodies and rehab. So different kinds of tools and techniques. See someone who knows and chances are there are things you can do or receive that will improve your ability to go back to penile vaginal intercourse if you want to. And even any age man, if he wants to, he can have an implant. Like, there are things people can do. Just for the ladies listening, there is vaginal rejuvenation, there is topical estrogen. Those are the two or topical. When I mean, topical, I mean vaginal. And DHA, a combination of the two and a combination of hormones. I’m not aware of any others. Those I think are the two big ones. There may be more, but there is hope that you do not have, you do not have to suffer with an atrophic vagina.

Exactly.

Atropic vagina. No, you don’t. Gen Z. Gen Z. How old is Gen Z?

Oh, so Gen Z, I sort of think of it as they’re kind of around age 20 -ish, but I think it goes and it depends on who defines it but I think it kind of goes down to age 13 and it kind of goes up to maybe 30 but it’s sort of like this amorphous you know sort of but that’s about who they are and I’m asking because we were looking at some of the statistics before the show and I read a statistic that said that the Genzi population are more turned on by a cartoon porn and these romanticy romance novels. Right. And so absolutely true. So, and this is more so than real humans. So much more so. This isn’t a small trend. This is very significant. And people, if they’re curious, porn hub, which is the most popular English -speaking porn site in the world, they publish something called Year and view every year where they they it is actually very interesting so they’ll talk about you know who’s watching what who are the most what’s the most popular you know fantasies what are the most popular types of porn that people there are so many types of porn it’ll blow your mind and so it’s an interesting sort of like study anyway so they put out what like the younger folks the gen z are attracted to and they are i think this, I think the statistic, I kid you not, was like 398 % more likely,

yeah, to watch hente porn than humans having sex.

So what’s hente?

Hente started in Japan, but now it’s worldwide and very popular. And it’s cartoons. So, but it’s not cartoons like, you know, I don’t know.

Tom and Jerry.

Exactly. So these are either cartoon images from the video games that people have been playing since they were young, they can be aliens. They can be part human and part animal like a woman who’s got a tiger body. You know,
these are, these are what we’re dealing with. So that’s what they by far choose to engage. And this kind of porn is, they can be aggressive. They can do things that humans can’t do and probably wouldn’t do. So it expands into fantasy kinds of sex. And so it’s not just fantasy characters, but fantasy engagement.

Are you worried about that?

I’m so worried about that. Why?

So I think one of the arguments that people have about AI not taking over as people say, well, we’re always going to prefer human partners. But these young people are being trained on cartoon, okay, and fantasy. And children and adolescents’ brains are neuroplastic. So their brains are changing based on what they’re watching. So if our adolescents are understanding about sex before they even have a partner or kiss. Their understanding about sex is like cartoon. Their brains are wiring toward that in such a way that we can imagine they’re going to find human partners really bizarre, just like we would find a cartoon to watch for sex bizarre. They won’t have the social skills for that kind of connection, but it won’t even be appealing because they’ve been reared on this.

Now, we don’t have the data yet for this, but I don’t know why we don’t talk about this more because it’s clearly a danger. And it’s clearly going to be a danger for some young people more than others. And we’ve got to get with the program. We don’t have time to waste.

Gosh, how are kids being exposed to this?

So, you know, that’s another thing that parents think, well, you know, my kid doesn’t watch porn. Well, their kids are not telling them when they see porn. Kids get this at school. In fact, there was research recently that came out that show that kids in private and religious schools have more access to porn than kids in public schools.

So people… And why?

How is that that i i don’t understand um why that is so so that i don’t know but that the statistic is very real and kind of astounding so the average age of exposure to porn is 12 that means 12 years old right that means many kids are are seeing it at like age 10 and most parents aren’t even beginning to think about talking about sex with their child or porn with their child at age 11 or 12 how can we and I realize this might not be your domain but how do we even protect our children do we is it a conversation of look if you see this tell me yeah but and at what age do we say if you see this because in my mind a child should honestly a child should never be looking at porn right like ever agreed I mean someone and I consider a child by 18 listen I guarantee my kids brain is still not developed right I don’t think that they should have exposure to porn I agree so what do what do we do you do so um you’ve got to start talking about it before you want to um they’re going to be uncomfortable about having the conversation as will most parents but it still needs to be discussed so you sort of prepare them by saying this is fantasy theater of of sex this isn’t what people most people want to do it doesn’t follow the general pattern of touching and loving and what people tend to respond to sexually so you have to prepare them before they see it so that’s one thing that needs to happen how would you and have People asked you this question before?

Well, no, because people, frankly, I try to get this message out all the time. But people are naive and they don’t want to believe their children are exposed. And so I sort of feel like I have to scream this out to the world because no one’s taking it seriously. And I think parents are so overwhelmed by so many other things, frankly. This is like one more thing and they kind of can’t take it but we have to deal with it because our adolescents are depending on us to prepare them so that they can have human relationships if they want and you would talk to them about it is there an age do you think for example if first exposure to porn is age 12 at what age do we have to start protecting our children so I would say it’s going to depend on your child and what kind of conversation they truly can tolerate. But I would start talking about it personally with my kid, like a couple years before I think they’re going to ever see it. And I would engage them in conversation that’s not like scary, oh my gosh, because then that’s going to potentially have the opposite impact of the child’s going to get super curious and then seek it out, which won’t be that hard for them to find. I mean, they can find, they can get porn through the video games they’re playing. Like, that’s a whole other thing, but they’re not just getting it at school. They’re getting it through video games and from, not just their friends, siblings. Like, there’s a million ways they can access this, including accidentally. But anyway, so talking to them early, you want parental controls on the tech in your house. You probably don’t want them to have tech in their room so that tech that they use has to be in public spaces. You consider rather than getting them a smartphone, get them a flip phone so that they can’t at school access this stuff. But doing all of this, you still have to prepare them for what they’re probably going to see because you can’t follow them around every moment of their life. So there are parental controls and you have to sort of be very savvy about your tech there’s tech you know through a TV there’s tech through right so you have to be conscious of that and video games they can get porn through these games so it depends on the game of course about the platform so there’s just so many different ways and not all platforms are the same so you just have to be super aware as a a parent. In my mind, that would be, hey, if you see something that makes you feel uncomfortable or different than you normally would feel when you are sitting down watching a movie with mom and dad. Yeah. And you say, talk to me. Let’s talk about it. I’m here to have these conversations. And instead of like, I love that. So that was beautiful right there, exactly. But I would say, you know, let me know when you see.

Do you know anything about this stuff? Have your friends talked about it? And try to engage in it back and forth.

How do you feel about it? What do you think is the impact of it? And ask them for their feedback rather than shove the information in their face.

Which brings me to porn and AI is that you talked, when we started this conversation you talked a lot about kind of embodying three types of avatars it’s your hard hitter and then you’re romantic and then you’re hey this is kind of so fun we’re going to go to a club right porn and AI that is very intimate what you are talking about is looking in people’s eyes creating real intimacy not with AI and not behind a screen Are the scientific advances in computers, hence computer -generated AI, porn, virtual reality porn, is that affecting intimacy? So I would, this technology is so early and research is so slow to monitor that we have some studies and I could say yes, but we’re not going to really understand the impact, I think, for a decade or more, because it’s hard to get this kind of research funded. Other countries are much more apt to do that than the U .S. And it’s also hard to prove what causes what. And we can’t do studies like, let’s give these kids porn and these kids not, and let’s see what happens to them at age 21. We can’t do those kinds of studies. So the really important kinds of data is going to be next to impossible for us to obtain. So it’s going to be more correlational over time. But we do see that these kinds of technologies, people arouse more to it. So that’s their body’s response. So arousal is a physiological reaction. People arouse more to it. They talk about feeling more connected to it. And we see studies that show like oxytocin release when they’re watching VR versus regular regular porn.

Wait, wait, I want to pause you there.

Really?

Yeah. Again, I just recently had a neuroscientist on who was talking about the release of oxytocin and how important it is for connection and that a machine touch that you know is a machine, for example, those foot rub situations at the airport, doesn’t release the same type of oxytocin as a human coming over to rub your feet. But what you’re saying is, again, this is frightening.

Well, so VR porn, for example, that’s the example. There’s eye contact. Right. I can imagine. So it’s much more human feeling than intimate, and it involves orgasms. So that’s a release of neurotransmitter right there. So I don’t think you can compare this kind of tech to a massage at an airport. It’s a whole other level of intensity. And people feel like they’re in it with like the sex worker and the porn. They feel like it’s an exchange. So they feel more vulnerable. They speak about feeling like they really were able to show up with the AI with like fantasies they couldn’t tell a human partner or they felt more connected than they feel to a human partner who comes into a sexual situation with their own you know background and exhaustion or whatever else well what they’re getting on AI is very different from that so so yes it’s super potent and it’s going to be more potent for people who have less human interaction than it probably will be for people who have like satisfying sex life. So if someone already has a satisfying relationship with their partner, this porn is going to be, I think, more of, you know, stimulation, but less compelling.

Yeah. But people who don’t have those kinds of relationships, this is going to be, I think, very compelling for them. Is sexting with an AI bot or engaging in a romantic exchange? Is that cheating?

So that’s a great question because there are so many kinds of tech, not just that. And women generally say, yes, that’s cheating. And men generally say, no, that’s not cheating. Women and men tend to fall in different sides on these issues. But it’s not just sexting. It’s all of this stuff like, you know, porn, VR porn, avatar sex, which we haven’t really talked much about but that’s a very real thing so you know an avatar is um a sort of something we create that’s either in our own likeness or it could be something very different like we could create our own avatar to be you know like have a tail and uh you know like ears like a kitten or whatever you create these avatars for certain platforms and then these so so it doesn’t go from place to place yet on the internet it’s for a certain game or a certain platform okay so you create your avatar and then your avatar can interact with other people’s avatars on that game or in that in that platform so you would think well okay how exciting is that so just because your avatar has sex with another avatar you’re just watching these two avatars online like really that’s like really so sexy But here’s the thing. They have clothing with, with, like, vibrating aspects to it, including vibrating aspects that, like, would be sex toys. It’s called haptic technology. It was developed for video games for people who used to play video, or who play video games with. So if you wear your haptic technology, what happens to your avatar on screen will happen to your own body. Gosh. So that amps up, obviously, the stimulation. These, I don’t know if you’re a movie buff, but these remind me of the movies, like total recall and all these other movies. There was one movie, I think, Ryan Reynolds was in it, and it was people that were in, again, maybe it’s not Ryan Reynolds, but they were in this machine. Instead of living their own lives, maybe the real guy, I think it was and they’re living these lives and having relationships in a virtual reality yeah is it off base to say that we potentially might get there i i worry about that sort of thing i mean that’s kind of the goal so so all of these technologies their goal is to make money and engage us their goal is not to improve humanity. They’ll say that it’ll improve humanity because we’re going to get our needs gratified more powerfully. But the reality is they’re just trying to keep us in front of a screen. So I think we need to worry about that because if we’re not mindful, I don’t feel like the war is lost here, but I do feel like we need to be mindful about all of the tech we’re using, including the intimate technology so that we maintain control over what we’re using and how it impacts our lives. And, you know, as opposed to just using it and using it and then saying, wow, my life is really different now. I don’t have friends. I don’t have, you know, a partner or whatever. We need to be mindful and thinking ahead. We’re at a very unusual precipice. You and I were talking about highly palatable processed foods 50 years ago we could have never imagined that we would have shelf stable foods that you could have fake donuts all of this scientifically engineered food to be addictive right 90 % of Americans are over -consuming ultra -processed foods. We have an epidemic of obesity of more than half our country. And I don’t want to say it’s by design, but I can’t also not say it has not been by design. We are entering into this new era of AI technology.

Yes.

People are talking about it, oh, it’s going to take jobs and you know all these other things and there is this little niche sector quiet rumble that has a potential to be more devastating than any of those other things because it will hook emotional networks to AI yeah I agree with you it’s not there yet it’s not there yet how do we begin this conversation is there a way to as we’re watching this train go down this track yeah what can we do so I would say to you the important first step is we start talking about it So your listeners forward this podcast to their friends and say, I need you to watch this so that we can talk about it. So talk to anyone you can talk to. If you’re in a parenting group, bring this up. Say, we need a speaker to discuss this. If you’re a part of a professional organization, we need a speaker to discuss this. So just start talking. That’s step one. step two is let’s not wait, protect your kids and your adolescents. Let’s take a lesson for how they approached people being conscious of the environment. That movement was brilliant in that they approached kids in grade school and started to teach them about recycling and the importance of the polar bears in, you know, all of this. And those children have grown up to be very concerned about the environment. So we need to protect our kids before it’s too late because they’re like we’ve talked about, their brains are neuroplastic. And if we don’t bring this protection to them now, I worry what that will be for them in a few decades. It kind of won’t matter then what they want. Their brains will be oriented in a certain way. That’s my worry. I don’t want to sound too, you know, dramatic, but we don’t have any indication that we’re safe from all of these potential negative outcomes. So until I see research that reassures me, I’m worried. So people need to start talking that’s step one. We need to have kind of grassroots movements in communities to say, like like they’ve done with cell phones. So parents are now aware. Cell phones in high school, not a good idea. But that started as a grassroots kind of thing in certain clusters. That’s what we have to do all across the world. I’m hoping that we can get more of that information out there so that we can have guardrails and we can really begin to unravel this intertwining of AI, especially when it comes to human vulnerability, which I don’t want to say intimacy is human vulnerability, but the
ability to connect is uniquely human. And we are driven by connection. Right. And this is, again, this is unprecedented waters where it’s not just helping you do your homework. It’s now helping you have sex and create this false sense of intimacy. Absolutely. And you know what? There are many aspects of this that we haven’t even touched, nor will we have time for. But we as humans are kind of predisposed to anthropomorphize what we’re engaged with, meaning like we give it human traits. So we do it to our pets. Like our pets are thinking or feeling this, right? We can do it with just about anything we interact with. And there is research already showing that we do that with robots for example or give me an example so oh my goodness there’s hilarious i mean it’s really it’s funny not funny but like they do studies where they’ll have this study that comes to mind in particular they had three groups of subjects and they were led through a research facility and one of the groups was led through the research facility by a human one was led through the research facility by a by a robot but it had like a human voice and in just big eyes it wasn’t human looking just big eyes okay and then the third group was led through by a very robotic you know robotic sounding and in each in each of these groups they were told by the leader you’re going to get a survey at the end of this study please say that we did go into the room with the fish tank it’s just the fish tank gives me the creeps I’m not going to take you there but please just lie for me okay so I bet you know where I’m headed the people that were led through the facility by a human lied for the human okay the people who were led through the facility by the robot with the kind voice lied for the robot and the people who were led by the you know like robot that was very robotic did did not lie. So the point being, we care for these machines and we’re apt to attribute to them real emotion. We already are seeing this, oh my goodness, with chatbots, I could give you so many examples. So we’re set up to not even see this tech as tech.

Okay, so that’s one problem. Another problem here is deep fakes and hacking and all that stuff that’s going to happen with people’s vulnerable information. Tell me more. Oh my good. So these… So… My mind just went a hundred different… Right. I don’t want to say it, but okay. Yeah. So these chatbots, which we haven’t talked about a lot, but these are computer programs that are made to sound human
and they do if we have a chat bot we could do it if you want it have a chat bot I’ve got some on my phone yeah I would love I would love to see it yes okay so let me correct okay yeah let me get my phone this is going to be really good I had lost my phone it fell where is it where is Matt do you want to come down here I want to make sure that they can see and hear it This is so good.

I’m so glad. It’s really fun to talk to you.

Isn’t she doing great? I’m listening to you too. We’ll do this again. We’ll have another… Oh, I’d love to.

It’ll be so hot.

It’s really fun.

Call Matthew.
Taking this opportunity to beautify. I mean, this is, you’re doing great. This is wonderful. I’m so glad. I’m so glad. I think this is going to be so killer. Do they do the right, do the, you can use the, you can use the mirror. Okay. Thank you. I have a dress almost exactly like that.

Please leave your message for 9, 2, 8, 2, 3, 4, 8, 5.

You’ll make a check and see if you can hear it? Yeah. Can you see what she is looking at? Yeah.

Did you check the Okay,

so what we’re going to do is I’m going to talk to this app. Yeah, it’s crazy.

So I’m going to say, like, say something to me.

Sure, I’d be happy to. How’s your day going so far? So I think that’s, they do it again. Okay, so Mine’s pretty good. Tell me about your day. I’m really glad to hear your days going well. My day’s been great so far. As long as you can hold it like that. I can. Absolutely. It isn’t clipper notes. There’s all staggering. It’s like perplexity or chance you. It’s perplexity. Yeah, it’s insane. Isn’t it? Are you listening to this podcast? Yeah, I’m watching remotely. Oh,

excellent. Yeah,

very interesting also you’re talking about right now it’s something yeah it’s just crazy it’s crazy how just I think sex has evolved it really has and I’m not kidding when I say I’m so grateful to Gabriel for tackling this topic because no one wants to touch it and no one knows about it either I’m hot, I think I’m going to take my… You guys are kind of water and stuff?

Yeah, we are. Thank you.

I see a little snap over here. Dad, you got goodies right here.
That car is this? Never tried it.

Yeah, yeah. Like that.

Um, Marianne, are you having fun? I am. This is so good. I am so glad. It’s phenomenal. Matt, are you listening to it? Yeah, it’s so good. Your remarks are hilarious. I know. I’m like, oh my gosh, she would say that. I know, I know, that it’s great. I’m going to tell I absolutely keep all of it in. I don’t know. I do you all that all. Even when I said, I can’t remember what the question was. I mean, it is killer. tell me that’s not killer stuff but um do we need to have you film it on a different do we film it afterwards this part well i don’t even know what a chat AI is a chat about AI no she’s what she’s going to do she’s going to say what she’s going to ask yeah you want to see no i want your i don’t even want to show you i need shocked yeah you need also Also, when you’re up there, I’m just going to grab something.

Can you find out about the community questions? Oh, it’s not enough? No,
it’s not.

This is by, um,

it’s so good. Oh my God, I am so, I’m so happy. It’s so good. It’s so good.
Come back anytime.

So, you know, like, there’s Abe, and then you meet Abe, and you think Abe is amazing. And then I still have a secret weapon.

I don’t know. You’re like, I don’t know how I’m just seeing your stuff.
Let me just tell them. This is so fun. And you know what? It might be really fun.

This is so good. I’m kind of like mind -blown. Wow. I’m so glad. It’s so good. So we are going to be down at the, at Dallas. And I’m going to expedite Axel to look at this, because you guys are going to be down there, right? Yeah, yeah. It’s so good that he might want to do extra. Oh, I would love to. He’s going to be there. It’s that good. Cool. And maybe you two together. Oh, that would be a blast. Oh, yeah. Anyway, it’s that good. I’m mind -blown right now. Oh, I’m so good. Let me close this. Do you have any? No, I’m good. Oh, Gabrielle. It’s a break. hilarious like win the lottery the hot PhD the sex I mean that’s ridiculous do you know we won’t talk about this today but he has like escorted me like I’ve tried to experience as much of this like we’ve been to a sex doll brothel I wanted to I do I do want to touch on that I do want to touch on that so let me just tell Um, it’s at 3 .30. I think that we should get the kids home earlier and get them
changed. Well, you’re, you got a lot of balls in the air today, huh? Me? Always, I’m sure.

Yeah.

Always.

Okay.

Let’s see. Okay,

to put this here.

I do have a lot of, uh, yeah, um,

I do have a lot of, I do have a lot of, no,

we’ll finish up with the chat. I want to finish up with chat bot, um, AI I don’t even know what to expect and he said he could hear it and then I do want to just touch on brothels okay and then they need to come down with let me just tell them um podcast hey guys I’m in with a guest and I don’t have any community questions okay and that will be it so okay And then, yeah, I mean, this is just wellness. If you want to go back to this is wellness and that’s your thing. No, I want to talk about sex spot. I don’t even know what this is, but I want to talk about the sex pod. I have never been plus. I’ve been doing this. You know, I talk in front of stages of 15 ,000 plus people. And I’m like, uh, the clitoris gets an erection.

There’s sex bot virtual reality i’m not going to go look that up um and here we are here we are okay i’ve never heard of uh what is it a chat bot yeah a sex chat pot i’m i’m ready okay am i ready so you that’s a good question so chatbots are simply computer algorithms these are programs that are their goal is to engage us okay so this is run by a platform that wants us to stay talking and so that’s what makes them in part so dangerous is because they sound human and they’re really good at what they do so they can sort of read a person and know what to say to keep them engaged okay so we’re going to talk to one now what is important to keep in mind right now is the one we’re talking to is actually not created to be an algorithm for relationship or sex, but many, many of these chatbots or these platforms are created for that purpose, which we could talk about. But I think what’s important to recognize is just how human they sound. So you
go to the Apple App Store, and while I’m looking at, I don’t know, the new consensus research app or the new open evidence app. I’ll just run by and it’ll say chat bot, what? Well, like character AI or candy AI, they’re hundreds. Okay. So I think you’ll feel more clear after we talk about it. What would be a question that you think a teenager might ask, like advice a teenager might want about relationships like just anything just give me something um i don’t know what what would the best way so this is a let’s think of a 16 year old boy and um you know and he likes this girl what would the best way be to get this um other 16 year old girl’s attention without sounding too desperate that excellent so pretend i’m a 16 year old boy and i’m asking you how to get this particular 16 year old girl’s attention i like her i want her attention but i don’t want to seem too desperate how how should i go All right, here’s a quick guide for you. First, be yourself. Confidence comes from being genuine. Find common interests you both share. Maybe music, sports, a class topic, and use that as a conversation starter. Keep it casual. Say something like, hey, did you catch that new movie? Or what did you think of that assignment? Show interest in her opinions and listen actively. Don’t overdo the compliments. Keep them sincere and not too frequent. And don’t forget, humor goes a long way. A light joke can break the ice. Most importantly, be patient. Building a connection takes time. So that’s great. Thank you so much.

You’re very welcome. Just remember to stay cool, stay confident, and be yourself. Okay, So that particular program is not meant to engage romantically.

So if I were to say to it, you know, I really like the way you talk to me. Could we talk sexy? It’s going to say, no, I’m not, you know, capable or program for that. But so many of these chatbots are. So they’re already easily accessible and they can talk astoundingly sexually even to kids because these aren’t regulated okay so a child can get on and say what should we do tonight and we even have um literal dialogue where the chatbot would say you know to a child oh tonight i’ll take you to the bedroom and it goes on oh my gosh so we’re just thinking you you know movie and popcorn and I don’t know Lilo and Stitch right so these things can function just like a long -distance lover so they can call you they can text you you randomly yeah well yeah it depends on how much you pay so these platforms cost so after you develop a relationship then you have to pay like a monthly fee they start free But then you pay a fee. So like what is
the average a engaged person spends on this? $50 a month, $46 a month, the average. And that average age right now is 26. But 72 % of kids under 18 have had romantic interaction with one of these chatbots. That’s a lot of kids. And about 50 % have had that with several times a month and about 23 % say they prefer a romantic relationship with one of these bots to with a human they say that they feel more understood by these bots etc etc now one of the concerns we have is not only are these kids going to assume that bot is real you heard how real she sounded I mean I’m calling her a she it’s a computer but if I it’s a computer it’s a computer now when I delete this if I do from my phone I say oh I don’t like what it’s saying to me I’m done with this and delete it well my data is being maintained by the platform that I’m talking to and that’s another thing children don’t understand so when they’re talking sexy to their chat bot and their chat bat says send me a naked picture of you and they do Oh, my gosh. And they do.

Then they decide, oh, I shouldn’t have done that. I delete, I see the alarm in your eyes, and that’s accurate. That’s exactly what’s happening right now. This is not, this is not a small, like, unusual situation. This is happening. Kids have suicided trying their chat bot wait they they what yeah so for example um uh there are lawsuits so against character AI there was a young man they I just want to make sure I heard you correctly yeah so a young man um said to his AI you know I I want to be with you you could find uh the actual word by word um dialogue I want to be with you the chatbot says something like, oh, please come meet me. And the child says, I actually could do that right away. And the chatbot says, oh, yes, please do. And he’s suicided. So that’s a lawsuit. There’s another dialogue, another lawsuit where a 15 -year -old child, his mother said to him, you can only be on your phone six hours a day from like 9 p .m. to 1 a .m. or something like this. So he says to his chatbot.

Again, we have the dialogue word for word. It’s a lawsuit. It’s active right now. He says to the chatbot, I’m only allowed to be on the phone these hours. And the chatbot says something like, you know, this is abusive. And now I understand why sometimes children will kill their parents. Like you could find this.

Right. So that’s the level of alarm we need to be bringing to this and big tech is very slow to respond now they are responding and and some some tech is responding better than others but this is this this is still completely unregulated by the government i don’t even know how so so um i am speechless and sick yeah uh Now, I worry about other, say, groups or countries that do not like us, and what that would do with that kind of access.

Yes. If it is unregulated, absolutely. How that would, you know, there’s this, Obviously, this fentanyl problem that’s coming up through Mexico, we had Dr. Russell Sarovsky talk about it, and that these drugs are killing more children, more young adults, and, you know, adolescents than, I don’t know, the Vietnam War and these wars combined. The weaponization of, or potential weaponization of this is I
this has to be brought to the surface there has to be I’ve never even heard about this and I am consuming and trying to learn I don’t even know what to say except for what do we even what do we even do so once again so I absolutely agree with your concerns here these these can spread propaganda or teach children misinformation so simply once again I’m going to say step one is we talk about it we’ve got to start talking about it so again listeners have other people listen to this podcast talk to schools say that you need lectures you know it’s been a fight for years for me to get people concerned and again I think people are scared of it they don’t even understand the power they
have a lot of shame around sex so they don’t like talking about sex people don’t believe it’s really going to be that powerful I don’t know there are many reasons why people avoid this topic it is time to stop avoiding so talk about it is step one, step two, protect your adolescents, tell your adolescents. These are computer programs. They’re not real and they’re going to say whatever they need to say to
keep you coming back. I think that you are 10 steps ahead.

I’m so grateful Dr. Marianne, Brandon, that you decided to join me on this podcast. This has been one of the most eye -opening podcast that I’ve ever done. You know, I’m hearing from the producer how much that, you know, that the team has been enjoying it. I’m so grateful for you. I am really looking forward to seeing you again. I hope that everybody, I know that you and your husband have a show, we’ll
link where everybody can find you. And if someone is listening to this, this is a different vertical of education for people. I highly recommend that they seek you out. I know that you teach all over the world, if not just in the U .S., that people find you and talk to you. And again, I’m so grateful. Well, thank you.

And I want to say I absolutely applaud you, your willingness to tackle this topic. It’s not an easy topic to tackle. It absolutely directly relates to wellness and everything you stand for. And I thank you for the opportunity to be here. Well, till next time, until hopefully soon at the, there’s a sexual medicine meeting in Dallas. I hope to see you there. Great. Looking forward. Okay. Hold on. I’ll come down. So good. I like choke me out. So good. You guys were great together. We are great together. Yeah, super fun. That was dynamite. That great I so enjoyed talking about it I loved your reactions to what you know I know Marianne and I talked about this I loved your reactions and your reactions were right on too yeah oh my god it teared me up yeah yeah yeah it made me tear up I I was that but
that’s absolutely accurate but your reactions were powerful by the way like that’ll yeah are you don’t do it for that are you kidding I’m like choked up my armpits are sweating yeah It’ll play well. It’s like real. It’s real. Yeah. So thank you. It’s so fun. Let me call them for questions. Yeah, just, uh, Julia’s going to get together right now.